


Just Another Dysfunctional Holiday

by FanficAllergy, RoseFyre



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Based on a True Story, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Holidays, Surprises, Thanksgiving, or at least a tumblr meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-03 02:44:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5273552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanficAllergy/pseuds/FanficAllergy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseFyre/pseuds/RoseFyre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thanksgiving.  A time for food, fraternity, and family.  A time for good thoughts, good wishes, and good feelings.  At least that’s how it’s supposed to go.  In Madge Undersee’s family, it’s more of a competition between her mother and her Aunt Bobbi Mellark.  So when she brings her brand new beau, Gale Hawthorne, home to meet the family, things are bound to go wrong.  Because it wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little family drama.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Another Dysfunctional Holiday

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The Hunger Games Trilogy is property of Suzanne Collins. This is a parody fanwork by fans for fans. No money was made off of the creation of this fanwork.

 

** **

 

**oOo**

 

“We’re here,” Madge Undersee said to the man sitting beside her.  “Home sweet home.”

 

He turned the car off and looked out the window at the large yellow house with white pillars out front.  “Nice place,” he said.  He turned his grey eyes to her.   “You sure you still want to do this?  I mean, you can always drop me at the diner up the street.”

 

“I’m sure, Gale.  We’ve come all this way and everyone’s expecting you.”

 

He reached out and took her hand, giving it a quick squeeze.  “I just want to say, no matter what happens in there, I had a lovely time.”  His lips tilted up into a smirk.  “And I hope this doesn’t impact our relationship.”

 

Madge couldn’t help it.  She laughed.  “No, really, Mr. Hawthorne, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing they can say or do that would make me change how I feel about you.”

 

The smirk morphed into a grin.  “Good.”  He unbuckled his seatbelt.  “You sure this is okay?” he asked, motioning down at his outfit.  

 

It was fairly casual: a red striped button down shirt over a skin-tight heavy metal t-shirt sporting an upside down pentacle made of skulls and the word ‘Anthrax’ spelled out in stylized letters and ass-hugging black jeans tucked into steel-toed workboots.  “I’m not sure I’ll fit in,” he added, glancing at the large houses situated all around them.

 

“What, you think we don’t match?”  Madge motioned to her lavender sweater set with silver leaves embroidered along the lapels, black pencil skirt, knee-high leather boots, and pearls.

 

“Not hardly,” he scoffed.  “You’re fucking Kate Middleton and I’m a juvenile delinquent.”

 

“I think you look fine, Gale.  I just… I don’t want you to be somebody you’re not,” she said, her voice serious.  Then, her playful smile returned.  “And you just don’t strike me as the yacht club type.”

 

“Thanks,” he said with a twist of his lips.  “So… shall we?”

 

Reaching into the back seat, Madge grabbed a bag.  It was full of supplies for the night.  She checked to make sure they had everything, then looked up at Gale.  “Let’s do this.”

 

**oOo**

 

After the initial round of introductions, where she did her best to avoid her mother’s eyes, Madge and Gale escaped to the kitchen.  

 

“Your family seems nice,” Gale offered once they were in the clear.

 

“That’s because they were in shock.”

 

Gale grinned.  “That’s what I’m here for.”

 

“Gale, be nice!”

 

He bumped her shoulder with his.  “I’m always nice.  So… what are we doing in here?”

 

“Honestly?  I can only take so much of my family before I want to kill them,” she admitted with a sigh.  “Plus, I have to assemble the cheese turkey.”

 

“Did you just say cheese turkey?”  He looked confused.

 

“Yes.”

 

“What does that mean?  Are you talking about a turkey stuffed with cheese?  Or is it something else?”

 

She chuckled picturing a cheese log in the shape of a turkey with little cubes of cheese coming out of its ass in lieu of stuffing.  She couldn’t help it, she broke down into a fit of the giggles.  “Something else,” she managed between laughs.

 

He shook his head.  “You know, y’all are weird.”

 

Taking several deep breaths, Madge eventually pulled herself together.  “I tell myself that every year.”  She pulled out several blocks of cheese and a box of mixed crackers.  “You wanna help?”

 

“Assemble a cheese turkey?  Sure.  Not like I got anything better to do.”

 

The two worked in silence, assembling pieces of cheese and crackers into the shape of a turkey, until they were joined by Madge’s cousin, Peeta.  “Hey guys.”

 

Madge glanced over at him.  “Couldn’t stand my mother and your mother anymore?”

 

“I need to make the fruit turkey,” he protested.  

 

“Fruit turkey?” Gale said, looking up from the cutting board.

 

“It’s like a cheese turkey, only with fruit,” Madge explained.

 

“Like I said, y’all are weird.”

 

Gale wasn’t wrong.  But assembling hors d'oeuvres in the kitchen was a good excuse for avoiding their parents, one Madge and Peeta had been using for years.

 

“Where’s Anna?” Peeta asked, looking around.  “Shouldn’t she be here ordering us around?”  Anna was the Undersees’ housekeeper and cook, and the kitchen was her domain.

 

“She had to run out for a bit,” Madge told him.  “Someone bought oregano instead of rosemary.  So unless we want Italian flavored stuffing, a trip to the store was in order.”

 

Peeta shuddered.  “Um no.  I like Italian, but not on Thanksgiving.”

 

“Isn’t your fiancee Italian?”  Madge asked absently.

 

“Half.”

 

“So I’m guessing you’re not gonna get any tonight, Mellark,” Gale interjected.

 

Her cousin just looked at her date in confusion.  “What?”

 

“You said you don’t want Italian on Thanksgiving.  I guess that means you’re not gonna be eating out your girl later.”

 

Peeta just stared at him, an expression of ‘what the fuck’ on his face, like he couldn’t believe the man had really just said that.

 

“Gale…”

 

“Aw shit, sorry about that, Madge.  My mistake.” He turned back to Peeta.  “I should let you know, you should probably ignore everything that comes out of my mouth today.”

 

“Have you been drinking?” Peeta asked, narrowing his eyes.

 

“No!”

 

Madge elbowed him.

 

“Right, um, yes!” he corrected.  “Just a bit!  Not enough to count!”  He glanced over at Madge, who nodded her head discreetly.  

 

Gale was saved by Peeta’s fiancee, Katniss, running into the kitchen, her eyes wide.  “Peeta, you need to save me!”

 

“From what?”

 

“Your mother!  All she wants to talk about is babies!  She keeps talking about your brother’s kids and Delly’s pregnancy!  I’m not ready for that!  We’re not even married yet!”

 

Gale shot Peeta and Madge an apologetic look before flinging his arm around Katniss.  “Don’t worry about the fruit turkey here.  I’ll be your knight in shining armor.  After all, I’m the one wearin’ steel-toed boots.”

 

“That doesn’t even make any sense!”  Katniss knocked Gale’s arm off her shoulder.  “What is wrong with you?  Madge!  What’s wrong with your boyfriend?”

 

Looking up from where she was assembling the cheese turkey, Madge met Katniss’s eyes.  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

**oOo**

 

Unfortunately, the four of them couldn’t avoid their family obligations forever.

 

Soon after Anna returned from the store, rosemary in hand, Madge’s Aunt Bobbi sashayed into the kitchen.  “Alright you kids, time for the annual Thanksgiving toast!”

 

“Yay,” Madge said without any real enthusiasm.

 

“We’ll be right there, Mother,” Peeta added.  “We’re just finishing up the turkeys.”

 

“Oh that’s so sweet of you!” the woman twittered.  “It’s so nice to see the next generation taking on the family traditions!”

 

“Mom, are you trying to sound like Effie?”

 

Aunt Bobbi made a face.  Her daughter-in-law, Effie, was a bit of a family joke.  Both of the Mellark brothers’ wives were.  “Well, she’s just so cheerful!  And Delly’s right there with her.  It’s hard for it not to rub off.  Now come along, dears, we don’t want to keep everyone waiting!”  She turned and left, leaving the four of them staring after her.

 

“I’m sorry I’m not cheerful?” Katniss said.

 

Peeta leaned over and kissed her cheek.  “I like that you’re not cheerful.  At least when you’re happy, I know it’s real.”

 

Katniss smiled at her fiance, her grey eyes shining with affection.  “Damn it, Peeta Mellark, when you say things like that, it makes it really hard for me to hate your family.”

 

“I won’t apologize for them.”

 

“I will,” Madge said.  

 

“That’s what I like about you, babe,” Gale said, throwing an arm around her shoulders.  “You’re all heart.  I don’t know what a girl like you sees in a guy like me, but--”

 

“Yes, really, what do you see in him, Madge?” Peeta interrupted.  

 

“Oh, he makes me feel things I’ve never felt before.”  She smiled sappily up at Gale.

 

Katniss stared at them.  

 

“Right.  We should probably get this over with,” Gale said.  “We wouldn’t want to ruin Thanksgiving, now would we?”

 

“No, no, no of course not,” Madge agreed a little smile on her lips.

 

The four carried their ‘turkeys’ out to the living room, putting them on a cart that was set up with a tray holding flutes of champagne and plates of hors d'oeuvres.

 

Gale eyed the champagne warily.  “No thanks, not really a floofy drink kind of person.  ‘Sides,” he reached into the front pocket of his button down shirt and pulled out a flask, “I brought my own.”

 

Everyone stared at him with varying expressions of shocked disbelief except for Madge’s Uncle Haymitch.  The widower grinned and pulled out his own flask.  “I like him.  He’s a man after my own heart!”

 

The two exchanged air toasts before knocking back a drink.

 

“Right, carry on!” Haymitch belched.

 

As was traditional, Madge’s father led the first round of toasts.  Every year he tried to say something witty and endearing, and every year it fell flat.  This year was no exception.

 

Before Madge’s aunt could step in with her ‘my family is better than your family’ toast, Gale cleared his throat.  “I just wanna say, here’s to y’all for welcoming me here in your family.  I’ve never felt quite like this before, and I like it.  But mostly I wanna raise a glass to my girl Madge.”  

 

Madge took deep breath, anticipating what was going to happen next.

 

He turned to her, placing his hand over his heart while holding his flask up.  “Madge… darling… ya captured my heart.  You make it go pitter-pat in my chest.  Never thought I’d fall for a stuck up prissy little girl like you, ‘specially not one from a snooty stuck up worthless piece of shit family like this one.”  

 

Madge heard her mother and Aunt Bobbi gasp but she didn’t want to tear her eyes away from Gale.

 

“You managed to lasso my wild heart and tame this ragin’ beast,” he continued as if he hadn’t just insulted the entire room.  “I can’t think of anybody else I want to spend the rest of my life making miserable other than you.”  Kneeling down onto one knee, Gale reached into his jeans pocket to pull out a death head skull ring, with a gem held between the teeth.  “Would you do me the honor of becomin’ my missus?”

 

Madge squealed.  Snatching the ring out of his hand, she shoved it onto her finger, where it fit perfectly.  “Oh Gale!  Of course I will!  It’s just what I’ve always wanted!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Of course I’ll marry you!”

 

Gale stood up and she jumped into his arms.  He swung her around the room in a wide circle.  They narrowly avoided bumping into anyone else, mostly because the assembled guests got out of their way quickly.

 

When he finally set her down, Madge hazarded a glance at the rest of the group.  Everyone was staring at them in shock, including Effie and Nick’s four year old twins, Jordan and Morgan.

 

After several false starts, her father found his voice.  “So Gale, just how long have you and Madge been dating?”

 

Gale sauntered over, flinging an arm around Madge’s father’s shoulders.  “You know, Dad - I can call you Dad, right?”  At the Mayor’s hesitant nod, he continued.  “Seems like I’ve known Madge forever, but I can’t believe it’s been, what, three weeks now?”

 

“Sounds about right,” Madge agreed.

 

“You know, after that last hunk of slime dumped that gem of your daughter, I knew I had to show him what for,” Gale elaborated to her father’s growing horror.  “First, I beat his smarmy preppy face to a pulp, then I went back inside where Madge here was cryin’ ladylike tears, and let her know just how much that man didn’t deserve her.  She smiled up at me and my heart was gone.  So babe,” he said, his tone becoming lewd, “how would you feel about a Valentine’s Day wedding?  I hear Vegas is fabulous that time of year.”  He elbowed her father conspiratorially.  “Don’t want to give her time to get second thoughts.”

 

“No.  We wouldn’t want that, now would we?”  Her father’s voice was as dry as the Sahara.

 

“Oh don’t be silly!” Madge protested.  “Nothing can make me change my mind about you!”

 

“Are you sure, Madge?” her mother asked.  “I mean…”  

 

Her words trailed off when Anna appeared from the kitchen.

 

“Sorry to interrupt, but I just want to let you know that dinner is served.”

 

**oOo**

 

Dinner wasn’t quite an unmitigated disaster.

 

Although Madge was pretty sure her mother felt differently.

 

Gale held her right hand throughout the meal, which Madge thought was a nice touch, even if it made it a little hard for her to eat.  Meanwhile, his right hand got into all sorts of trouble.  If he wasn’t sticking his fingers into the mashed potatoes and gravy, he was reaching out to help himself to choice tidbits off of nearby plates, or handing his half-eaten drumstick to one of the twins.  

 

When Effie protested that her family was vegan, Gale tried to apologize, although he ended up sprinkling her with Hollandaise sauce.  “Oh I’m sorry about that,” he slurred, leaning over to lick the food off of her cheek.  “There.  I fixed it.”

 

“You licked me!”

 

“You say that like it’s a problem.”

 

“You licked me!”

 

“I’m guessing you don’t get licked enough at home.”  He turned to Peeta’s eldest brother, Nick.  “Just what are you doin’ to your wife?  You need to take care of this lovely woman!  Or else someone, maybe me, will take care of her for you.”

 

“I’d appreciate it if you kept your mouth off my wife,” Nick said, his voice deadly.

 

“What about my tongue?”

 

“That too.”

 

“Fine, I’ll just use my fingers.  Madge here hasn’t given me any complaints.”

 

Madge felt a low blush rising up her cheeks.

 

Gale squeezed her hand.  “I’m sorry, sweetheart.  I shouldn’t’ve said that.”

 

“No, it’s okay.”  She squeezed his hand back.  

 

He flashed her a relieved grin.  “Right.  I could go for a drink.”  He picked up his wineglass and took a big swig.  “Not quite strong enough!”  He pulled out his flask and poured some of the clear liquid in, then took another drink.  “There.  That’s better.  Mmmmm.”

 

“Would you like some water with that wine?” Madge’s mother asked.

 

“Nah.  I’m good.  I don’t like to mix drinks.”

 

“You’re definitely a man after my own heart,” Madge’s Uncle Haymitch said, reaching across the table and grabbing Gale’s glass.  He brought it to his nose, then looked at the younger man curiously before taking a sip.  Carefully he set it back down, before saying, “Although I’m not quite sure this drink’s entirely to my taste.”

 

“I suppose that’s okay, not everyone can handle what the Gale is drinking,” Gale said.

 

“No, not everyone can handle that,” Haymitch said.  He raised his eyebrow in Madge’s direction.

 

She smiled at him.  “It’s okay, Uncle Haymitch.  Gale knows what he’s doing.”

 

“I see.  Well then, carry on,” he said, sitting back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest, with a pleased smile on his face.

 

Gale nodded his head at her uncle before turning his attention to the woman sitting next to Haymitch.  “So, what about you, hot stuff?  You want a little Thanksgiving lickin’ to go with your chicken?”

 

“But we’re having turkey,” Delly said, blinking her eyes at him.

 

“Yeah, I know, the metaphor kinda fell apart, but you get the jist.  So, how ‘bout it?  I mean, it’s not like you can get any more stuffed,” he motioned to her very pregnant belly.

 

“Oh I know!” Delly rubbed her stomach.  “Anna makes the best turkey!  I can hardly eat another bite!  If you want, I can make a plate up for you to take home.”

 

Gale looked at Madge, then at Peeta’s middle brother, Rye.  “Is your wife for real?”

 

Glaring at Gale, he replied, “Yes, and I would appreciate if you would stop hitting on her.”

 

“Dude, I thought I found myself the last good one,” he said, referring to Delly.  “Madge here’s a little devil compared to your girl.”

 

“Oh, isn’t he sweet, Rye?” Delly said to her husband.

 

“Very,” Rye said, his teeth clenched.

 

“I’m just so excited for you and Madge!  I’m sure you’ll make a lovely couple!”

 

Gale didn’t seem to know what to say to that, so instead he asked, “So, um, what are you having?”

 

“We’re having twins!  Oh!  That’s right, you should know!  Twins run in the family.  Why, Uncle Dick and Bobbi are twins, and Aunt Maryleigh and Uncle Haymitch’s late wife, Aunt Maysilee, were also twins, and now Nick and Effie have Morgan and Jordan, their two, and we’re gonna have ours!”  Delly practically bounced in her seat.

 

Madge heard Katniss whisper, “But I don’t want twins.”

 

Peeta just reached out and rubbed her back soothingly.

 

Gale leaned back in his chair, surveying the table with interest.  “Y’all are a bunch of regular old Duggars, ain’t ya?  I knew I liked this family.  Madge and I have been talkin’ about how many kids we want, and personally I’m hoping for a good round dozen.  One for each disciple.”

 

“Madge never told me she wanted to have a large family,” her father said slowly.

 

“It’s a fairly recent development, Daddy.  I just knew, once I met Gale, that I wanted to have his baby.”  She batted her eyelashes at her new fiance.

 

“But what about school?  What about your career?” her mother protested.  “You’ve wanted to be a lawyer since you were five!”

 

“Oh, but I’ve already done the most impressive thing I could do as a lawyer!  I got Gale off!”

 

Everyone stared at them.

 

“What?” Rye asked, his voice horrified.

 

Gale shrugged.  “Who knew carryin’ concealed was a violation of my parole?”  He smiled down at her.  “If it weren’t for you, Madge, I’d be in jail again.”

 

“How terrible,” her father murmured.

 

“Isn’t it, Daddy?  I’m just lucky I managed to get his case!”

 

“Why exactly were you on parole?” her mother asked, her napkin pressed to her lips.

 

“Well, my mama told me never to play with guns.  But I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.”

 

Madge’s Uncle Haymitch snorted.  Everyone else just kept staring.

 

“But if you managed that, darling, why wouldn’t you want to be a lawyer?” Madge’s mother tried again.  “You’d be such a good lawyer.”

 

“Oh, I’m sure, as you’ve said so many times, Mother, there’s nothing more fulfilling than being a mother and wife.  And if it means putting my wants and desires on hold so that I can be there for Gale’s and my family, I will gladly make that sacrifice.  Just like you did, Mother.”

 

Her mother blanched.  “But that was a long time ago, and times have changed.”

 

“Nope,” Gale said, shaking his head firmly.  “I’m an old-fashioned type of man.  I think my wife should stay at home, take care of the kids, make my supper.  All that women’s work.  It’s a man’s right to have his women take care of him.  Don’t you agree, Dad?”

 

Madge could see the panic on her father’s face.  Her dad had asked her mom, years ago, to give up her own career in real estate so that he could pursue his political aspirations.  She’d done it, gladly, since she enjoyed the social obligations and throwing the various fundraising parties.  But whenever Madge’s parents argued, her mother threw her decision to sacrifice her career in her father’s face.

 

“I suppose whatever makes my little girl happy, I’ll be happy,” he finally said.

 

“Oh thank you, Daddy!”

 

“That’s right kindly of you, Dad.  Didn’t quite expect you to be so reasonable, you bein’ a Democrat and all.”

 

All eyes flew to Gale at his comment.

 

“So I take it you’re not?” Madge’s Aunt Bobbi asked.

 

“Oh hell no.  I’m a good old American boy.  My vote’s as red as my blood.”

 

“So you’re a Republican?”

 

“I suppose.  They’re a little too left-leanin’ for my tastes.  Ted Cruz ain’t so bad, but even he’s too much of a moderate.  Not to mention he’s a dyed in the wool insider.  Nah, my vote’s goin’ to Trump.  Now, if only he could pick Sarah Palin as his running mate, it’d be perfect.”

 

You could hear a pin drop.  Everyone was staring at Madge’s new fiance in unabashed horror.

 

Madge’s Uncle Fil stood up.  “So.  Who’s ready for dessert?”

 

**oOo**

 

Madge, Delly, and Peeta headed into the kitchen to get dessert ready while Anna cleaned up and everyone else relaxed in the den.

 

When they reached the relative privacy of the kitchen, Peeta pulled Madge aside.  “I need to talk to you.”  There wasn’t any room for argument in his voice.

 

Madge shot Delly a pleading look.

 

Delly waved her hand at them.  “Oh go on!  Don’t worry about me, I’ll be just fine!  After all, Effie’s made the vegan apple pie and vegan pumpkin pie and everybody brought a cake!  I’m sure I can rustle up someone to help me carry things into the dining room.  Why, I’m sure that boy of yours will help, he looks like a such strong fellow.”

 

“Thanks, Delly,” Peeta said with a grin.

 

“Yeah,” Madge echoed, her tone unenthusiastic.  “Thanks.”

 

Taking her by the elbow, Peeta steered Madge out to the back porch, motioning for her to sit down on the wooden swing.  “Would you mind telling me what the hell’s going on with you, Madge?”

 

“I don’t know what you mean.”

 

“I mean that beast you brought!” Peeta crossed his arms.  “Don’t tell me that you’re actually going to marry him!”

 

Madge played with her engagement ring.  “I don’t see where that’s any of your business, Peeta Mellark.”

 

“You’re my cousin, Madge!  You’re family!  Of course it’s my business!  Especially when he’s hitting on my fiancee!  You’d have to be out of your mind to be in love with him.  This is too much.  Even for you!”  Peeta paused, his eyes narrowing.  “Wait.”  


“What?”

 

She watched Peeta connect the dots, a feeling of growing dread taking root in her stomach.

 

“This isn’t real, is it?” he breathed.  “This is all a game.”

 

“What makes you say that?” Madge asked, her eyes wide.

 

“Tell me I’m wrong.”

 

Unwilling to lie to her favorite cousin, Madge sighed.  “What gave me away?”

 

“I know you too well.  You’re like my baby sister.  There’s no way in hell you’d be getting married to that guy.  So really, what’s up with this?  And who the fuck is that guy?  Why is he making our lives a living hell?”

 

“If it makes you feel any better, you’re not the target.”

 

Peeta blinked at her.  “Wait, I was right?”

 

Madge grinned.  “Like you said, you know me too well, Peeta.”

 

“So who is the target?”

 

“My mother.  And yours.  I am so sick of them guilt tripping me!” she exclaimed, letting her frustration out.  “‘When are you going to settle down, Madge?’” she said, mimicking her mother and aunt’s voices.  “‘When are you going to get married?’  ‘You have to start thinking about a family, Madge.  You don’t want to end up childless and alone’.  ‘Why, look at my three boys, Madge!  They’ve all found someone.’”  She let out a little scream of incoherent rage.  “For fuck’s sake, I’m twenty four!  I’m still in law school!  There’s plenty of time!  But noooooo, nothing’s good enough for our mothers.  It’s like they’re having a competition over which one of us marries the best person and has the best life.”

 

“Well clearly, I win.”

 

“Damn it, Peeta!”  She smacked his arm.

 

He held his hands up.  “Sorry, sorry.”

 

The door opened and Gale poked his head out, two steaming mugs in his hands.  “Hey.  How you doing out here?  He’s not giving you any trouble, is he?”

 

“No,” Madge said.  “But he figured it out.”

 

“He’s not the only one,” Gale replied, coming out fully and closing the door behind him.

 

“What?” Peeta said, an expression of confusion on his face.

 

“Pretty sure your Uncle Haymitch knows something’s up.”

 

“Oh that’s right!” Madge said.  “He drank your wine!”

 

“Yup.  Pretty sure watered down sparkling apple cider was not what he was expecting.”

 

“What?” Peeta repeated.

 

“Tea?” Gale said, offering Peeta one of the mugs.  “No sugar, right?”

 

“Yeah,” Peeta said, taking it warily.

 

“That’s what Delly said.  Cream and extra sugar for you,” he said, handing the other mug to Madge.

 

She smiled at the man.  “You remembered.”

 

“Yeah, well, it’s not every day that someone has to ask for more sugar on the first date.  I didn’t know Starbucks could run out.”

 

Peeta let out a laugh.  “Clearly you don’t know my cousin Madge.”

 

Gale shrugged.  “Eh, I’m learning.”

 

Her cousin’s eyes darted back and forth between the two of them.  “So, really, what is up with you two?”

 

Madge met Gale’s eyes.

 

He shrugged.  “He’s your family.  I’m just here for the food.”  Gale grinned at her.  “Delly’s making me a plate to take home.  Seriously, if that girl weren’t married, I’d be snapping her up right now.”

 

“So… I take it you two aren’t really engaged?”

 

“No, we’re not,” Madge said, looking at her ring.  It really was horrendous and it was already turning her finger green.

 

“And are you really a Republican?”

 

Gale shook his head.  “Long time Democrat.  My mother’d kill me if I voted for Trump.”

 

“So who are you?  And how did you two even meet?”

 

“Craigslist.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Craigslist,” Madge repeated.  “Gale here put an ad up on Craigslist offering to be someone’s obnoxious Thanksgiving date in return for the promise of good food.  I kind of maybe sort of took him up on it.”

 

“What Madge is saying is that she leapt on my ad like a lion leaps on a gazelle.”

 

“Gale!”  She smacked his shoulder.

 

“What?  It’s true.”

 

Her cousin shook his head at the two of them.  “So why were you offering this on Craigslist?”

 

“Do you know how hard it is for a convicted felon--”

 

“Wait.  What?” Peeta interrupted.

 

“Oh.  Yeah.  That part was true.  I am a criminal.  Well, technically juvenile delinquent.  I jacked cars when I was a teen.  I was a stupid kid.”

 

“So you never shot someone.”

 

“Hell no.  Y’all don’t know your country music,” Gale said.  “I was quoting Johnny Cash.”

 

“Oh thank God,” Peeta muttered.

 

Madge had to laugh.  “Uncle Haymitch got it,” she pointed out.

 

“Yes, well, thank you for making me feel stupid, Madge, because I totally needed that.”

 

Gale chuckled.  “But as I was saying, do you know how hard it is for a convicted felon and recovering alcoholic to get and keep a job?  It’s damn near impossible.  And I’ve actually got a good one that I like, and I’d like to keep it.” He explained.  “Not to mention, I only get today off.  That’s not enough time for me to fly back to Kentucky, have Thanksgiving with the family, and fly back.  Besides, travel on Thanksgiving’s fucking expensive.  But I didn’t feel like spendin’ the holiday alone.  So I figured there had to be some girl, or guy, wanting to piss off their relatives who’d be happy to have the date from hell attend their Thanksgiving dinner.  Just my luck that Madge got to me first.”

 

“So this was all planned?”  Peeta asked Madge.

 

“Well, kind of?  Waverly actually was supposed to come home with me, but we broke up.”

 

“I wondered what happened to him.”

 

“He decided he wanted a wife who was less successful than him.”

 

“Idiot,” Gale muttered under his breath so only she could hear.

 

“And you’re definitely not,” Peeta surmised.

 

“I’m gonna be an awesome lawyer, thank you very much.  The firm I’m working at is even thinking about hiring me on permanently, once I pass the bar.”

 

Peeta let out a low whistle.  “Damn.  I know Snow, Coin, Crane, and Heavensbee is prestigious.  I figured you only got in there because of your dad.”

 

“Gee thanks, cuz.”

 

“What?  That’s what Mom said.”

 

“I got the interview because of Dad,” she corrected.  “I got the job because of me.  And I’m damn well going to keep it because of me.”

 

“You tell him, girl,” Gale said, encouraging.

 

“So... are you two dating?” Peeta asked, looking between them.

 

Both of them shook their heads.

 

“Whole thing’s strictly platonic,” Gale said.

 

“I’m glad.  Not that there’s anything wrong with you, Gale.  I mean, okay, there is--”

 

“Chill, man,” Gale said, holding up a hand.  “I get it.  That dude in there?  He ain’t me.  He’s just some asshole to rile your moms up and keep ‘em off of Madge’s back.  In a few weeks, she’ll announce that she’s come to her senses and we’ve broken up, and hopefully that’ll keep the harpies off of her until she’s ready to find her Mr. Right.”

 

“Although I am a little upset with how easily you were taken in by this,” Madge teased her cousin.  “Do you really think I have that horrible of taste in men?”

 

“Frankly, I’m not sure any of us know what to think!”

 

“You’ve known me all my life, Peeta!  I mean, come on!”

 

He sighed.  “Good point.  Sorry about that, Madge.”

 

“Apology accepted.”

 

“Is there any way I can help?”

 

Gale and Madge shared a glance.

 

“How do you feel about being in on the grand finale?”

 

**oOo**

 

Dessert was served.  

 

The rest of the family tore themselves away from the annual trouncing of the Detroit Lions to partake in various delectable sweets.

 

Gale, back in his ‘I am the worst human being in the history of ever’ persona, leered at Katniss.  “Girl, you’re almost as sweet as this sweet potato pie.  Why, you look like you could be my cousin.  Back where I’m from, it’s okay if cousins marry.  Maybe you and the bread boy would be up for a foursome later.”

 

Katniss stared at Gale, her mouth agape.

 

Throwing his napkin on top of Effie’s sugar-free vegan apple pie, Peeta said, “That’s it.  I’ve had enough.  You apologize to my fiancee right now or else you and me are gonna have words!”

 

“Oh yeah?” Gale said, standing up so abruptly that he knocked the chair over.  “Come at me, bro.”

 

Peeta did.

 

Lunging at the bigger man, Madge’s cousin wrapped his arms around Gale in a classic wrestling move.

 

Gale kicked out with his feet and pushed himself away from the other man, swinging at him wildly with his fists.

 

“Fight!  Fight!  Fight!” the twins chorused in unison.

 

“I am not letting you expose my children to violence!” Effie exclaimed, grabbing one twin while Nick grabbed the other.  They left the room.

 

Delly turned to Madge.  “Oh dear!  What should we do?”  She wrung her hands.  “Someone’ll get hurt!”

 

“Yeah, hopefully that asshole fiance of yours,” Katniss snapped at Madge.

 

“Maybe he was a little out of line,” Madge admitted.  “He’s normally such a gentleman!”

 

“Maybe it’s the liquor talking,” her Uncle Haymitch suggested with a twist to his lips.

 

“I’m sure that’s it.  I know you’d never pick a man who treated you poorly,” Delly said.

 

The two boys were still going at it, knocking over several more chairs.

 

“Alright, why don’t you two take it outside?” Uncle Haymitch suggested.  “Before ya give my sister-in-law a heart attack.”

 

With Haymitch herding them, the two managed to battle their way through the front door and out into the autumn cold.  There, Peeta was able to gain the upper hand, knocking Gale to the ground into a pile of leaves.

 

Twisting Gale’s arm behind his back, Peeta sat on him.  “Apologize to my fiancee!  Or I’ll break your arm!”

 

The dark-haired man struggled to get free to no avail.

 

“I said apologize!”

 

“I apologize,” Gale gasped out.

 

Peeta stood up, shoving Gale’s face into the ground.  “Now get outta here!” her cousin declared.  “If I ever see your drunk ass face again, I’ll kick your ass.  And next time, I won’t be nice.”

 

Madge hurried over to her fiance.  “Oh!  Darling!  Are you okay?”  She gently touched his arm and cheek.  

 

Gale sat up, brushing the leaves off.  “Yeah.  I’m fine.  I guess I know when I’ve been beat.  Come on, Madge.  We’re leaving.”

 

Shooting an apologetic glance at her parents, Madge darted back inside, grabbing her purse and Gale’s leftovers, before rushing back out.

 

Her parents stopped her at the door.  “Madge, honey, you don’t need to go with him,” her father said.  “If you want a ride back to the city, I’m sure one of your cousins would be happy to take you.”

 

“I can’t, Daddy.  I’ve gotta go!  He’ll leave me if I don’t.”

 

“Would that really be so bad, sweetie?” her mother asked.

 

Summoning up every ounce of acting she had in her, Madge batted her eyes at her parents.  “I love him, Daddy!  I can’t live without him!”  She ran across the street.  “I’ll send you an invitation to the wedding!” she called out, opening the door and getting in.

 

Once she was inside the car, Gale grinned over at her.  “So.  Is that pretty much what you were hoping for?”

 

Madge grinned back, giving him a quick hug.  “Yeah.  It was perfect.  But I’m pretty sure you should at least let me drive to the end of the block.  I don’t want them to call the cops on you for drunk driving.”

 

“Right.  Gotta keep up the image.”

 

They switched seats.  Glancing back at the group assembled on the front lawn, Madge observed the disappointed expression on her father’s face.

 

Madge drove just far enough to make sure that their ruse wouldn’t be discovered before letting Gale take over again.  After all, she was the one who’d been drinking, not him.

 

He drove them to the 24 hour diner that they’d seen on the way in, declaring that he wanted a real dessert with lots of whipped cream.  Not really wanting the holiday to end, Madge quickly agreed.  

 

“Thanks for grabbing my leftovers.  Dinner really was delicious,” he said once they’d gotten their drinks.  “You know,” he said, smiling at her, “I actually had a good time.”

 

Madge felt a little flutter in her chest.  “Yeah.  Me too.”

 

“You know, your family’s not as bad as I was expecting,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee.  “I like that cousin of yours.  Peet’s alright.  And Delly’s a real gem.  Most of the rest of them are a little stuck up, but they’re not so bad once you get to know them.”

 

It was as good of an opening as any and Madge decided to take it.

 

“So,” she said, glancing down at her hot chocolate, “what are you doing for Christmas?”

 

Gale reached out and tilted her chin up to look her in the eye.  “Baby, I thought you’d never ask,” he said before capturing her lips in a kiss.

  
**oOo**

**Author's Note:**

> AN:  
> Written: 11/11/15  
> Revised: 11/15/15  
> Revised 2: 11/20/15  
> Betaread by: DandelionLass and Amy
> 
> This story was inspired by this article: http://www.dailydot.com/lol/felon-offers-himself-as-thanksgiving-date-on-craigslist/ We were reading it last Thanksgiving and discussing, while cooking the turkey, whether it would work for the Hunger Games fandom. We immediately ruled out Everlark, but Gadge was an excellent choice.
> 
> So the song Gale was quoting about killing a man down in Reno just to watch him die, is “Folsom Prison Blues” by Johnny Cash. It was featured very prominently in the movie “Walk the Line” and is one of Cash’s best known songs (after “Ring of Fire” and “I’ve Been Everywhere”). 
> 
> So the rosemary/oregano thing? Yeah, that actually happened last year. FanficAllergy’s mom went out and bought oregano specifically for the Thanksgiving turkey because she thought that was the herb FanficAllergy uses when she makes her turkey. And then she decided to be helpful and started cooking the gizzards and making the stock with it. Yeah.
> 
> The fruit and cheese turkeys are also a thing. RoseFyre and FanficAllergy actually assembled them last year for Thanksgiving. There’ll be pictures up on RoseFyre’s tumblr - RoseFyreFyre.tumblr.com.
> 
> Thanks for reading! We hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving!


End file.
